About my mother and I
Updated: Aug 2, 2020
Witnessing of becoming.
Thank you for witnessing me today.
I am re-connecting with you today, right here, right now.
In my own way, on my own time.
No special post or picture to share.
Only me, showing up raw and somewhat vulnerable.
Not having prepared what exactly I want to say, even what direction to take ... only honouring the feeling of wanting to share a post, a reflections.
I have been feeling so strange lately. My year is unfolding nothing like I " planned " - instead new, exciting even daring life directions keep showing up on my door steps. At first, I was tempted to say NO to everything new and unplanned. My year has been perfectly planned with the events, workshops, retreat and the festival. I was " done ", all it was required of me this year was to maintain status quo, coasting a little so to speak so I can focus on writing my cherished book ... existing without sticking my head out too much ... 😁 I wanted to continue with the known, with last year's successes and why not - it made me evolve, build amazing tribe of women and re-discover new parts of myself - it was enough. I wanted to live with enough. I wanted to try this way of existence.
January welcomed me with spending 3 weeks with my ailing mother, in my hometown, in my childhood room ... being profoundly aware of the woman I have become and the woman I am no longer. Every moment of each day I have spent tunning into what is. And what was, was almost unbearable to take. At first. Like first 2 days when thought of panic sank in upon realisation that this is the dynamic I will be in for the next 3 weeks.
For those of you ( many of you :) ) that have been living out of your countries for some time - this is very familiar thought. We like to visit where we came from, our foundations, but spending prolonged periods of times in outgrown dynamics is simply - madness.
I wanted to change lives. For the better. I knew what needed to be done. I had tools. I had knowledge and lots of information. I had perfect set of essential oils, plant based food recipes and felt in tune with my energy bodies. My chakras were in good shape for endless energy exchange. I was ready to give, to act.
My mother did not welcome essential oils nor plant based food with an open arms. On the contrary; she reject it. And there I was, armed with all these amazing tools only to be shot down. The daughter in me wanted to talk sense and convince my mother about rightness of my choices for her wellbeing, her recovery. The healer in me, said wait ... you have no permission to invade another in such a way just because your intentions are noble. Nope. This was super hard. I started seeing my mother as a woman in front of me, human being who is scarred and fearless, vulnerable and strong ... full of dualities, full of human-ness.
I dropped everything. My planned course of actions have been replaced with conscious allowing. Allowing another to be in the space of healing. On their own time. Allowing myself to witness another making choices that I might not agree with. Allowing another to go through the process of life with messy feelings, doubts - without trying to fix it for them or with them. This was love. I have recognized this new wave of growth happening, something was being stirred in a very new ways and I was very much part of it. Mindfully agreeing to it. For the next 3 weeks I have been simply holding space for my mother to BE.
Throughout and at the end of my 3 weeks visit, I felt myself disconnected from the outgrown dynamics of my foundation/family life. I no longer needed to participate. The program has become obsolete. It finally happened. I had no idea it would feel like this. Clean, neutral and with so much clarity and ease. I felt free in very specific way.
If you have been reading my words until now and get me - thank you for witnessing me. If you feel a bit lost and my words don't resonate with you at this time - thank you for witnessing me.
As I want to share about what excitement February brought into my life, I shall continue with these reflections, perhaps you will find inspiration for your own journey.